It's not that I feel lost, it's just sometimes, it makes me feel weird how i used to feel connected to myself than I am now. Okay, checking in. Maybe my first 2023 resolution, is for me, to have a better connection to myself. Haha I don't know, I'm not sure either. But one thing I know for sure is, I need to have that self-talk again, to do such self-reflection, to know where we are standing right now, and to aim better for the next we're heading.
I think I need to go a little further back, since I don't do any self-reflection back in 2022 for 2021 either. I kind of don't believe it when everybody says that their year 2020-2022 just goes by like that. Because as far I remember, I still had a little bit of my life in 2020. Marking my boring yet milestones of my most risk-taking decision ever, to quit my steady job in 2020.
Should we go further back more? How about, 2018? 2019?
I think I already wrote some of my 2018 & 2019 milestones in this blog.
2019, I had my first big step to take the decision to move to Bali for a project for a year. The first time in forever, just never thought I will be nge-kost again in my work life period haha. I thought the time I will be anak-kosan was just when I'm in college only. But Bali was not so bad either. I loved the time when I was living in Bali. I make several progress to mark one of my life milestones, which is Living in Bali.
2020, the time when finally the project is finished and we moved back to our beloved hometown. But then corona hit our country. I thought I was kinda already had covid when I was still in Bali. I kind of having a very rough influenza until I lose my voice that time. But corona was not really well-identified at that time, so only God knows haha.
Back in Jakarta, moving from project to project because of covid several project are being closed down. The company have to make several decision, from cutting down employee until "dirumahkan" policy. I was the one affected by the "dirumahkan" policy. They still pay me enough tho. Even though I was having my salary raised at the beginning of the year, but because of corona my salary was going back before it was raised, but I didn't really have a problem with it to be honest.
The one that really bothers me was because I had to handle one project that was gak jelas enough for me. Looking back at it, I think I could handle it now if it is the "present" me who's put in that situation. But honestly it was very stressful for the past me, until I was convinced enough to resign. It was indeed the biggest decision at that time, even more it was corona at that time. When some people loses their job, meanwhile the company maintain me but I chose to resign anyway. There was so many consideration back then. But I'm glad, I took my chances that time. Alhamdulillah :)
2021, I had my new job at an architecture firm in Jakarta. Kind of new to me but I was excited because I thought that was kind of my dream job hehe. To have my creative mind processing designs, turning imagination into concept and visuals, and more over to be able to just sit behind my desk. My previous job is a field work, that's why I kinda say its not that woman friendly. That time, I got my own desk & computer, also air conditioner, it was that pleasant for me. I am grateful :)
2022, I moved to a start-up company. I already joined since Dec 2021, but after a week I joined, they had a company-day off for a week until new year. What a blessing, indeed. Looking back at it, if we're grateful, it is indeed so many blessing Allah has given for us. :)
If I looked back, I spent my 2022 as my first year in this new company already. Still not really sure, but I think its my 4th company I attend during my professional career history. Like all these long essay, but all I talked about is my work journey. Like, how's life? How's love life? Maybe, or so maybe. We should talk about it and take the lesson, right?
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Life back in these years,
2018, life was just been good. focusing on my first job, meeting my first real boyfriend either. Even though it was not the ideal boyfriend I imagined, the ups and downs we had, the roller-coaster, the heart-break and the trauma. Who could have imagined, right. I thanked myself very much for bearing it up that time, no matter how it takes. We break but we bounced back. I'm glad, you are here. I'm glad, you make it. Thank you :)
2019, still a slight of trying my best to move on. Even after I moved to Bali we still had in contact, trying to figure things out but we were naïve and stupid enough. Have to say it was the first rough year in my relationship journey. I mean, each relationship is hard already. But there are times, when it was me who went ghosting first so then I could protect my heart and not to get hurt. But this kinda feel different when you both die hard trying but things was just impossible, anyway.
I mean, the older we get, the more serious we are becoming in relationship. I never really taken any relationship easily after this. He taught me tho, to fight for what we wanted. I mean, we're adult, we are in this age already. But the older I got, the more I don't think I know better.
I moved on, try to better myself, working hard so I had myself feeling pretty again, I worked out, colored my hair, hanging out with my dear friends in occasion of cari pacar baru, I had fun with myself, even I went to music festival by myself. Funny thing I didn't really go by myself that time because I had my friend coming from Jakarta to have an event in Bali, but at evening he caught up to meet me and spend the festival together. But too bad, I didn't really like the person. I mean he was nice and wise, he was the one who got me in, in my first job. But as getting closer knowing each other and meeting him in person, I decided that I don't like him and I don't want to give him false hope anyway. So I was kind of went on ghost mode after that day. (sorry!)
Another funny story from my 2019 Bali story that will mark forever in my memory. I was really heart broken in middle of Aug. I went MIA, not wanting anyone to reach me out, and rejecting every hang out invitation. While suddenly my friend coming to this idea and forced me to join an open trip to Nusa Penida with him & his friends. Funny because we've been talking about Nusa Penida since the first time we came to Bali, but we're about to get the chance the day after I got my heart very broken. I didn't want to go at first but my friend forced me to, so we went there anyway and I know this trip is going to be one of the trip I will remember until the rest of my life. :)
Not really a fast forward because indeed, you attract people if you are the bestest and happiest version of your self. I got someone confessed to me on Sep. And yeah, you know me. I don't easily accept someone coming into my life without a headstart first. But then there he was, coming into my life my second boyfriend. I don't really wanna talk about it since I didn't really like the person anyway. But Allah has written that I got to learn, right. So we might take our lesson anyway.
2020, moving forward. yas it's 2020 already. As I said before, coming back to hometown a.k.a the ending of my bali living series. But it's okay now, I didn't want to spend Nyepi in Bali anyway. It's getting horror there the closer we got to Nyepi day. (haa I dont want to remember my horor experience in Bali but why I keep mentioning it T_T)
Okay, back to the topic. 2020 we eventually broke up. And funny thing is, never have I feel most relieved after ending a relationship. I guess it is indeed the right thing to do? I don't want to keep being the bad guy in the relationship, but everything I did were already made me the bad guy anyway. So ending it was indeed the best decision at that time. It didnt took me long enough to move on from him since I was focusing on my work that time, and it was not my most heart-breaking experience anyway. So no regret, indeed.
Moving on to the next relationship, there was this guy I met on Bumble. we had date several times even though we didn't really text because he told me he was super busy with work. I was the one who's not busy because I was just resigning at that time. He's like the most good-looking person I have ever been with, until everyone we met on street stop and stare to him. Even tukang ojek asked me wheter my boy was bule or not because he is indeed that pretty haha terlalu blinded. klo dipikir2 apa tu tukang ojek dia bayar ya buat ngomong gitu ke gw hahaha but well, another person another lesson, right. We didn't make it through because he said he didn't want anything serious at that time. I was having my boundaries, but still I kind of regret rejecting him anyway that day. Well, we both reject each other tbh. But whatever.
I had a pretty intense heart-break for a relationship-I-dont-have in this 2020. I mean, it was 2016 already, the last time I got my love unrequited haha. I was seeking validation online, until someone approach me on twitter. We chat and we met. I didn't really like the person but he was fun to hang out / chat with so I was kind of okay. And them there it goes, another life time, another lesson. I was catching feeling but same as the previous, he didn't want anything serious at that time and he ghosted me in the end. I was kinda heart-broken but it went on anyway. I continued making friends online and had this new guy that is very funny and much alike like me because we both cancerian and we both are badass haha we flirted for fun and it was kinda nice.
I mean it was nice because we know we wouldn't be catching feelings since we both live far away anyway. He bought me stuff even though we never met, kind of funny ahahaha too bad the stuff never came to because one thing or another. But he was nice tho, I know he's kinda broken hearted knowing after our flirty platonic relationship I was the one who's got to leave first.
2021, yeah I kind of got to leave bc the guy who ghosted me coming back and ask me to be in a relationship with him. Well, weird. but I was stupid so I kinda have to deal with it hmm, another lesson, right. And indeed, this chapter went longer than we planned. Now it's the beginning of 2023, and we're still talking about the same person. Weird, I know. Lesson learned, I tried. I hope Allah mend our broken heart, got us steady for the next relationship if there's any. Or just makes us steady, better ourselves, so when we met this new person we are both in a complete and healed state of our own selves. Biggest amin to that.
2022, this is why I feel like my life is stuck / freeze between these two years. Only repeating heartbreak, and trauma. Another sadness, another ups and downs. Not sure whether this is kind of toxic relationship or not, but at least my therapist say so. Yes, I've tried, the best I could. But seems like best is just another almost is never enough, right. We hold on, I cried, yes only me. I talked but yes only me. Only repeating cycles, repeating pattern. Sampe dibilang gak naik kelas. Sedih, iya. Until now it still saddens me bc the wound is not yet fully recover. But what else can we do except taking the lesson, right. Biggest homework for me, please, do make boundaries for yourself, first.
Another thing is that, I feel like 2022 is that year we learned a lot. I mean so much thing and hard lesson happening at this year. I feel like I'm almost losing my self over and over again at this year. On Jan 2022 I fell off from my motor bike, it was indeed a near death experience for me. Alhamdulillah I didn't wound too much that time, but it was traumatic enough for me. I didn't want to ride my motorbike anymore that time. Until on May 2022 my phone got stolen while I was on public transportation. Indeed another traumatic event happening while I'm commuting from work.
Kind of thought that my working experience is no longer having its drama until commuting to workplace took the drama out of it. Bener2 belajar ikhlas lagi saat itu. Jungkir balik, muter otak on how to save my salary to buy a new phone. Indeed a frugal life, my life went opposite financially just like that. But we survived tho, alhamdulillah. Another lesson to learn :'
Pelajaran yang bisa dipetik? Berdoa! Baca2 doang klo dalam perjalanan biar terus dilindungi Allah Swt. Ikhlas wallahu alam, kita udah hati-hati tapi kita ga bisa expect orang lain juga untuk hati-hati dalam berkendara. Ikhlas, klo terjadi sesuatu yg ga enakin, let go of the anger. Berdoa, kita udah waspada tapi kita juga gatau klo bakal ketemu orang jahat di jalan hiks. baca-bacaan semoga selalu dilindungi Allah Swt. Harta itu hanya titipan, jangan sedih klo Allah ambil, pasti diganti dengan yang lebih klo kita ikhlas. In the end juga terbukti klo kita bisa bahagia dengan sederhana. It is indeed happiness comes from small things and it is indeed coming from within us, peace and happiness. :)
Oh, but the fun part to be grateful of 2022 is, we got to see DPR concert in Jakarta this December. Indeed a lifetime experience, and I'm glad we got to had that as the ending of our 2022. Alhamdulillah :)
2023, I hope we healed, yes. I know, the journey of mending the heart, the journey of loving our selves back is indeed coming with ups and downs, its not an easy steady road. But you know what, I love you still. Despite the mistakes and all the heart breaks we caused together, I am still here, loving you my best so we can embrace the world, making our selves ready for the next chapter Allah has prepared for our selves. We've taken our lesson, which is about having boundaries. I'm glad we stood still, I still love you so, my dear elactrico. :)
Come back stronger, yes my dear darling.
Dear 2023, nothing to say besides bismillah into stepping into another chapter.
Bismillah, we believe Allah has prepared something bigger for us. Bismillah :)
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