instead of grumbling over negative thoughts and desperation only in my head, I finally decide to write it all and analyse, instead of getting headache and sickness over this cruel and messy world we live in.
uncompromising company and no one to share all the sorrow, I'm simply sad and desperate.
it's not that I'm ungrateful (here goes again so many excuses), it's just that I'm so bored, ya Allah.
I keep dwelling on so many happy thoughts in the past while then drowning in my own negative thoughts and desperation of why I should keep doing things I didn't like to. I know it sounds too dramatic, but this psychological struggle is real. I had it so many times, when I get this kind of sorrow I kept over thought, that many people judged me of being too melancholic and too bitter, but then, the struggle is real for me. so don't bother to judge. it just happened every time and I'm kind of sick of it in every single time.
have you ever gone this far, then this thought when you feel like you don't belong here and things you been doing these past several years were just never meant to you? I don't know, this thought just came to me several days ago, when I'm feeling so done with college stuffs and it's pressure. that sometimes it saddens me. that how come I've been holding and loving these stuffs so much then out of the blue, right in face of 6th semester, I came to the thought when I'm done with it? hiks :'
I hope its only just a sudden thought or so, or maybe I'm just in the maximum capability of suffering, but then when I think of other stuffs I prefer doing that makes me happy, I just.... I wish I could do it more often. but this routine just kills me already that I will never have time for doing any other things.
new semester to face, and I know that this time it's going to be real harder because I'm in my nearly last period of study. but what else I expect? turned out the "I got to be out of my comfort zone" decision, in the fist time in forever, makes me regret it. it's not that I'm regretting what I've chosen (even in fact, I honestly did), it's more likely that I regret choosing the person it self.
I came with the self-consciousness that I got to be out of my comfort zone in order to improve my self. I did, and I regret some of it. that in this half semester turned out the person I respectably thought as my mentor never even do its proper job and make me sad all over the time. It's not that I don't appreciate the process, it's just, when your right is undertaken over someone you thought so intelligent, just broke my heart into pieces. most of all, males banget. I was mad and cried deep in my prayer and I can only ask to Allah how to handle this kind of moment so if it happened again, I wont be this hurt.
it's the first of all, and the peak of my mad emotion. the cause and else, I know I'm not the only one who's hurt, but take a look at it, I'm still the one who's treated unfairly most of them. but what else can I do, right? I can only pray to Allah to make my heart tougher.
it's not that I'm not doing the best I could after it, it just, you know the feeling when you will never be good enough for anyone? for me, I will desperate at first, but then I realize that my own priority is still my happiness, then I would eventually walk away from the things that make me feel sorrow. but this time is my own decision, and walking away from it would seem so irresponsible, but still holding on things that never really make you feel joy, I just feel like I'm wasting my time all over again. Pengen keluar aja, tapi rasanya ga mungkin banget. it's only one subject (or one mean person) and it already takes all my world, dan kesel banget aja. feel so unworthy.
looking back at it, and by then seeing my friend's memo, written in there "don't push yourself too hard" and this bizarre lighting suddenly hit me.
Maybe I'm just trying out so hard to get sudden improvement that we all know, achievement doesn't come in short time. that in the mean time I realize that maybe I shouldn't take a leap, maybe I shouldn't push my self too hard. I should've chosen ordinary mentor, that in fact all mentors are good. Maybe, if so, now I will be in merely less chaotic mess I made myself. but then its only maybe, and its only in my imagination, because somehow it didn't happen.
the fact that now I'm in, maybe I should just; Do it. Try hard and Think less of the thing that makes you uncertain and unhappy. or maybe keep doing the things you love as an escape from the chaotic mess; like I do right now. I love writing my thoughts and feelings, and now here I am in my own peaceful realm where I could just express without anyone will ever judge me or say that I'm wrong.
it's just a relieve how writing (or doing the things you love) makes you feel at ease actually, that you're doing it with no guilty because it release the stress in you however.
while then, I hope the future me, right in the next second, will already lift all the sorrow, bad mood, bad ambiance, bad thought. I hope I could just live peacefully without anything taking away my happiness, and I wont let it happen. I will just do the best I could and let Allah decide the result, just never put your hope and expectation upon mankind because somehow they will fail you.
mostly and honestly written
Ela Amna.
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